A Gentlemen's Game
A refined exercise in coordination, composure, and the noble art of not fumbling an invisible ball.
Enter the Forum ↓Overview
Silent Football is a gentlemen's game — a refined exercise in coordination, composure, and the noble art of not fumbling an invisible ball in front of one's peers.
The game consists of a group of players seated in a circle, hereafter referred to as the forum. The players are called members. One member holds the distinguished title of Commissioner, who oversees all gameplay and governs the forum with absolute authority. The Commissioner appoints a second-in-command, known as the Doc.
Each round of play involves passing an invisible ball around the forum through the use of prescribed hand moves. Should a member perform an inaccurate move, play out of turn, or fail to play while in possession of the ball, they are said to have committed a fumble — resulting in a penalty.
"May your elbows be sharp, your Shmees be firm, and your fumbles be few."
The Playbook
The invisible ball is passed around the forum using a series of silent hand moves, progressing from beginner to advanced. The Commissioner may introduce more advanced moves by executive order or by conducting a vote among the forum members.
Using the right hand only, place your hand on the back of your neck with your arm pressed firmly against your ear, such that your elbow points directly forward. You must point your elbow and establish eye contact with the intended recipient. Eye contact is not required if the recipient is unaware they are about to receive the ball. The Shmee sends the ball directly to the member indicated by your elbow.
⚠ Triple Shmee is strictly prohibited — automatic Level 3 penalty in many forumsPerformed by raising your shoulders and rotating your palms upward — the universal gesture of feigned ignorance. Eye contact is not required. The Shrug returns the ball to whomever sent it to you. There is no limit to the number of consecutive Shrugs that may be exchanged between two members, though one must question the ambitions of any forum that would devote an entire round to this.
Executed by slapping your right thigh with your right hand, or your left thigh with your left hand. Cross-Thwacking — slapping the opposite thigh — is not permitted. The Thwack must be audible to the forum. It advances the ball one member to the left or right, depending on which hand is used.
⚠ Four consecutive Thwacks are prohibitedEmploys the same motion as the standard Thwack, except the thigh is struck twice in succession. This advances the ball two members to the left or right, depending on the hand used. As with the basic Thwack, four consecutive Thwacks — of any variety — are prohibited.
Performed by cupping your left chest with your right hand, or your right chest with your left hand. The ball travels in the direction of your elbow — one member to the left or right. The Garrison may be performed in complete silence, lending it an air of dignified subtlety. There is no limit on consecutive Garrisons.
Performed by making a fist with your right hand and placing it against your forehead, while simultaneously gripping your right bicep with your left hand. Your left elbow must form a precise 90-degree angle with your right elbow. Eye contact is not required and the Shmotus may be directed at any member. It returns the ball to the sender and erects an invisible shield before you for the next play, preventing the ball from being sent back to you immediately.
Using your right hand, make a fist and raise it to your side at a 90-degree angle. Then extend your right arm outward, pointing your fist at the intended recipient while maintaining eye contact. Functions similarly to the Shmee in dispatching the ball directly to the indicated member. Also erects an invisible shield before you for the next play.
⚠ Triple Shmeetis is prohibitedExecute a Shmee with your right hand, grip your right elbow with your left hand, and raise your left elbow so that it forms a 90-degree angle with your right. Establish eye contact with your intended target. The ball travels to the member one position to the left of the person you make eye contact with — a fine opportunity for misdirection. The Osbourne may not be directed at the member immediately to your left. There is no limit to consecutive Osbournes.
Make a fist with your right hand and place it against your right temple with your thumb facing downward. The Shmoe mirrors the Osbourne in principle, except the ball travels one position to the right of the member you make eye contact with. The Shmoe may not be directed at the member immediately to your right. There is no limit to consecutive Shmoes.
Place both hands on the back of your head and point both elbows at another member. This move may be directed in any direction. The Bunge returns the ball to the member who originally sent it, who must then pass using any move other than the one they originally used. A member may not respond to a Bunge with another Bunge.
⚠ Three consecutive Bunges result in a fumbleTap the top of your head twice with your right hand. The Flashback sends the ball "back in time" by two members. For example, if Mr. Frost Shmees to Mr. Shaw, Mr. Shaw Thwacks to Mr. Thomas, and Mr. Thomas performs a Flashback — the ball returns to Mr. Frost. The Flashback may only be used once per round by each member, and is the only move by which a member may send the ball to themselves.
⚠ A second Flashback by the same member constitutes a fumbleThe Forum Hierarchy
There are three essential roles in Silent Football. All three must be present for the forum to function with the order and decorum the game demands.
The highest-ranking and most important position in the forum. The Commissioner serves simultaneously as referee, judge, and enforcer. The forum is their domain, and their word is law. The Commissioner begins each round in possession of the ball and must always be addressed as "Mr. Commissioner" or, if permitted, "Mr. Commish." His authority is absolute — he may issue penalties, grant pardons, remove members, and end the game entirely at his choosing.
The second-highest-ranking member, personally appointed by the Commissioner. The Doc is subject to all the same rules as any other member, but carries privileges: first right to speak, tiebreaker vote on penalties, and minor errors are often overlooked. Should the Doc's play deteriorate to an unacceptable standard, the Commissioner may remove and replace him — most likely with the member currently playing the finest game.
The lowest-ranking role, yet the most numerous. Every player begins as a member. Every member must be addressed by their surname, prefixed with "Mr." — for example, John Smith shall be addressed as "Mr. Smith." A member may adopt a nickname, provided it is approved by both the member in question and the Commissioner.
Conduct & Protocol
The Commissioner is the only member permitted to speak at any time without prior acknowledgment. Any member — including the Doc — who wishes to address the forum must raise their hand and await the Commissioner's invitation. The Doc is customarily afforded the first right to speak. Upon being called upon, a member must first address the Commissioner before making their statement.
All speech within the forum should be eloquent and gentlemanly. A certain theatrical formality is strongly encouraged. Should a member find themselves unable to recall the name of another member, they must not resort to pronouns such as "he" or "him." Instead, they shall gesture toward the member and say, "I'm sorry, Mr…" at which point the unnamed member shall helpfully supply their own name.
Except in cases of genuine emergency, members are not permitted to leave the forum while a round is in progress. Between rounds, a member may choose to leave, but shall not be permitted to re-enter for the duration of that game unless a majority vote of the forum allows it. A member wishing to leave who was responsible for the preceding fumble must first serve their penalty before departing.
The following phrase must be spoken at the start of every round, without exception: "A customary tea, a tip of the cap, and the ball is in play." While reciting this phrase, all members must mime holding a cup of tea with one hand and using the other as a saucer, before pretending to tip an imaginary cap. This ritual is not optional.
Should a member repeatedly violate forum etiquette or conduct themselves in a rude or disrespectful manner, the Commissioner may assign them to the Seat of Shame — the position immediately to the left of the Commissioner. While there, the member is not permitted to speak and shall be resolutely ignored if they raise their hand. After several rounds, or when the Commissioner is satisfied that improvement has occurred, the member may be returned to their original seat.
Traditionally, spectators are not permitted. If one wishes to witness the game, one must participate in it. However, the forum may vote to allow spectators — a vote which must be conducted in the absence of said spectators. They should be asked to leave, or to turn around and close their eyes.
A fumble occurs as a result of incorrect gameplay and results in a penalty. There are four ways to fumble:
Should two consecutive Shmees be played, the third recipient must employ a different move. The triple Shmee is regarded as one of the gravest fumbles in the game, and in many forums it carries an automatic Level 3 penalty.
A Shmee must be sharp and unambiguous. Should a member pivot their head and elbow mid-Shmee, creating confusion about the intended recipient, a fumble shall be called.
The Shmeetis may not be performed three times consecutively. However, this infraction does not warrant an upgraded penalty.
Should three consecutive Thwacks be played (inclusive of single and double Thwacks), the fourth recipient must use a different move.
A fumble occurs if a member attempts to send the ball to a member currently protected by a force field (established by the Shmotus or Shmeetis). The force field persists for one play. The sender is penalized.
The Osbourne may not be directed at the member immediately to your left, and the Shmoe may not be directed at the member immediately to your right — as either would result in sending the ball to yourself, which is only permitted via the Flashback.
Should three consecutive Bunges be performed, a fumble occurs — because the middle player would have been forced to respond to a Bunge with another Bunge, violating the fundamental rule of the Bunge.
Each member may perform only one Flashback per round. A second Flashback by the same member constitutes a fumble.
Forum Justice
Penalties are a cornerstone of the Silent Football experience. The severity escalates with each fumble committed by the same member. A first fumble warrants a Level 1, a second a Level 2, and a third a Level 3. Upon completing a Level 3 penalty, the count resets to zero. Penalties may not involve physical harm, nudity, or absolute humiliation — embarrassment, however, is entirely acceptable. No photographs or video recordings are permitted while a member serves a penalty, unless the member themselves requests documentation without any prompting.
Lighthearted, but not without their own quiet indignity.
Greater consequence — involving embarrassment, physical discomfort, or culinary unpleasantness.
The pinnacle of forum justice. May involve public execution of the penalty.
Game Variants
Once the forum has mastered the standard game, these variants offer new dimensions of competition and consequence.
A league may be established for seasonal play. Over the course of multiple games, each member's fumbles are tallied. The member with the fewest fumbles at season's end is declared the forum's Champion. A playoff may be organized in which the top six to eight members have their fumbles reset to zero and compete in elimination rounds to determine the ultimate champion.
A standard game is conducted — with or without penalties — but each member who fumbles is immediately removed from the forum. The final two or three members remaining are declared the winners. Note that a single winner cannot be determined, as any two-member forum would be immediately ended by a force field move.
Official Gear
We're putting together an official line of Silent Football merchandise for the true believers. Gear for those who know — and say nothing.
The original. Wear it. Let others wonder.
For those who enforce the silence.
That you must never open during a game.
Everything you need to start your own forum.
Be First to Know
Drop your email and we'll notify you the moment the shop opens — silently, of course.